September 12, 2014 Broken Heart

Sept. 12-Although it was Michael's birthday, we couldn't celebrate anything. We haven't slept in 2 nights and all we could do was cry and ask why. Friends, family and church members started coming over and bringing food. Glenn went to SC to pick up Linda. Michael's brother, Jeffery, drove up from Alabama to be with us. We didn't know he was coming and fell to pieces when he walked in. It meant a lot to us. All our friends and family have been so supportive but no one can tell us what to do.

Sept. 13-We had a family meeting to discuss things. I wanted to make sure everyone understood the severity of what was happening and what the doctors were asking us to do. Alex sat beside me with his head on my shoulder the entire meeting. Yes, the decision is ultimately up to me and Michael, but the burden will be carried by our entire family. No one told us what to do, but all said they would stand behind us whatever decision we made.

Sept. 14-Michael has been dealing with this by keeping busy. He had mowed the grass and started painting the bathroom. I haven't eaten much or slept any in 4 nights. We called UNC to get some sleeping medication before I had a total breakdown. After taking the medicine I slept for 4 hours. Michael has been such a rock. He has picked me up off the floor from a total, complete melt down in the baby's room, held the trash while I threw up from crying so hard, carried me to the couch when I passed out from exhaustion and held me tight all night just to make me feel safe. I love him more now than ever before.

Sept. 15-Maya Lindley, Perinatal Care Specialist from UNC Chapel Hill, called to tell me that the appointments with the 'team' would be Sept. 18. I started researching and writing down any and all questions we had. The rest of this week was filled with internet research, praying, crying, and talking. We met with Pastor Williamson, and Pastor Warren. I skyped and spoke on the phone with parents of children of spina bifida. I spoke with a mother who had terminated and two who chose life. I also joined a Facebook group of mothers who had the fetal surgery. It meant so much to be able to speak with so many families. These parents and children are so strong. We just had so many questions...

They say the darkest part is always right before the dawn. Well, I'm holding on by a thread and I'm about to fall off!! Where is the dawn? God, if you can send a burning bush to Moses, give a boy the strength to defeat Goliath, raise the dead bones of Lazarus, and feed five-thousand with a couple fish and a loaf of bread, then why, why, why won't you heal this baby, or just take it from us???? My heart is in 1,000 pieces, maybe even more!! This song explains how I feel.

If you are on a mobile device or cannot view the youtube video below please click the link:    http://youtu.be/cH16B5449Iw 
Or just search for Broken Hallelujah by Mandisa.