December 17, 2014 "Not again!"

Today one of the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctors did another ultrasound to see Rayden's ventricle sizes. She said his head was already larger than a full term baby's. Although his ventricle sizes were the same at 45mm and 35mm, she stated that they are excessively large and his head was lemon shaped. She showed us that she could only see minimal brain tissue around all that fluid. I responded by saying that once the shunt was placed it will be fine. She said "that remains to be seen." That CRUSHED me! I have never even let it enter my brain that Rayden may have brain damage. So I just keep telling myself over and over that she's NOT the brain surgeon. She tried to console Michael and me by holding my hand and saying, "I know this must be hard." I just wanted her to stop talking. When Michael wheeled me back upstairs he continuously told me not to let her comments get to me. But it is so hard. Holly told Maya about me being so upset so she came by and said she is going to ask Dr. Elton, the neurosurgeon, to come by and talk to us. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to not get bogged down with negative thoughts. There's nothing we can do now anyway. I was sure by now that God would have reached down and stepped in and saved the day. God, please perform a miracle now and allow Rayden to have normal brain function, to beat the odds, to rewrite the book... "Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."