December 19, 2014 "Our entire world is crashing down!"

Dec. 18-I can't even begin to say how I feel right now. Dr. Elton, the neurosurgeon, just left. He says that although we are 32 weeks gestation Rayden's head size is now as big as a 42 week baby. That's bigger than full term! He is extremely concerned about his skull collapsing on his brain which is a huge problem. He stated he wanted to take Rayden as early as next week and put in a programmable shunt so he can relieve the pressure slowly. That way the skull plates would close back up slowly and hopefully not overlap or collapse. That would be a HUGE surgery. He's not sure if he will have to do the shunt surgery the day of the c-section or if he can wait until the following day. They will more than likely leave in the breathing tube after surgery as well. What really upsets us the most though is that he can't guarantee brain development. He said he knows there is brain there but he doesn't even know how much!!! He says the fluid has been compressing his brain against his skull and we will just have to see if his brain will fill back up his head or not! WHAT??!! Oh God, isn't it miracle time yet?

Dec. 19-I didn't sleep very well at all. I cried and prayed all night. I actually curled up with Michael on the sofa in here just to calm down some. Dr. Casey came in this morning and said that they are going to give me 2 more steroid shots this weekend and probably take Rayden on Monday or Tuesday. He would let me know exactly which day this afternoon. He said he has been in an email chain with Dr. Goodnight and Dr. Elton and they would make a decision today. So much for waiting until the 30th... Please pray for Rayden. I'm so afraid.

If you would like to help support Rayden's you can order a t-shirt from www.booster.com/raydensreason. We had to redesign it.

December 18, 2014 "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"

Santa and a few of his elves from the UNC Volunteer Association came to see us. They brought a therapy dog as well. One of them played the guitar as they all sang a Christmas carol to us. Santa gave us a teddy bear with a blue hat and scarf for Rayden.






Thanks Deneice and Jason for the Christmas tree with blue lights and the decorative penguin.  Thanks Nanny and Papa Strickland for the piano playing Santa. Our room is the most festive according to everyone who comes in...

Two beautiful ornaments to celebrate Rayden's arrival and first Christmas. Thanks Elizabeth, Brenda and Michael.

December 17, 2014 "Not again!"

Today one of the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctors did another ultrasound to see Rayden's ventricle sizes. She said his head was already larger than a full term baby's. Although his ventricle sizes were the same at 45mm and 35mm, she stated that they are excessively large and his head was lemon shaped. She showed us that she could only see minimal brain tissue around all that fluid. I responded by saying that once the shunt was placed it will be fine. She said "that remains to be seen." That CRUSHED me! I have never even let it enter my brain that Rayden may have brain damage. So I just keep telling myself over and over that she's NOT the brain surgeon. She tried to console Michael and me by holding my hand and saying, "I know this must be hard." I just wanted her to stop talking. When Michael wheeled me back upstairs he continuously told me not to let her comments get to me. But it is so hard. Holly told Maya about me being so upset so she came by and said she is going to ask Dr. Elton, the neurosurgeon, to come by and talk to us. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to not get bogged down with negative thoughts. There's nothing we can do now anyway. I was sure by now that God would have reached down and stepped in and saved the day. God, please perform a miracle now and allow Rayden to have normal brain function, to beat the odds, to rewrite the book... "Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."

December 12, 2014 "Just hangin' out"

Dec. 10-Michael kidnapped me! He told the nurses we were going on a date. They thought it was so cute. He took me on a wheelchair ride down stairs. We went to Starbucks but I'm not a coffee drinker so I didn't want anything. We admired all the trees and went 'shopping' in the gift shop and the little drug store. We even went upstairs to see the Ronald McDonald Family Room. It was so good to get out. When we returned he told the lady he was "returning an unruly patient." They said they didn't want me back, haha! I really enjoyed our little 'date'.

Dec. 11-We had a visit from Barbara and Carmen tonight. It was so good to see them. They always make me smile. Barbara even brought my favorite toenail polish and painted my toes. Isn't she precious? They brought me some wonderful cards created from my 1st grade students. They are so sweet to think of me. They even brought us some flowers in a santa vase. So festive. Gretchin, who works for Dr. Elton the neurosurgeon, came in to talk to us about Rayden. She said they have been watching the baby's ventricles and are prepared to care for him when he's born. I mentioned that his vents were 43 and 35 thinking in the back of my mind that she would say 'Yes, but that's really not that bad.' But I was wrong. She actually replied in a calming voice, "Yes, they are huge." She also told us different things they could do to stabilize Rayden immediately instead of rushing him back to surgery. That was very interesting.

When everyone left Michael and I went back down stairs because the nurses told us there were some venders selling things. Of course, we didn't buy anything but it was fun just to get out of this room.

Dec. 12-Linda and Glenn brought our baby up here! He is finally finished with exams! We were so happy to see him. He even curled up in the bed with me to work on some shirts we are designing as a fund raiser for Rayden. Here is the link to the T-shirts to help support Rayden's medical cost. You can order a shirt or just donate using this website. https://www.booster.com/raydensreason

December 10, 2014 "So far so good"

Thursday, Dec. 4- Day 2-They moved us to a room with a view of the front of the hospital and a sofa for Michael to sleep better. The other room had a view of the side of the building and a pull out chair. I'm happy to report that all seems to be as stable as possible for now. We had a bad scare Friday afternoon, Dec. 5, when I started gushing fluid again, but even that has slowed down now. I'm still bleeding but they say it's alright. I've been poked a million times, but I don't mind.

The highlight of my day is when they put Rayden on the monitor so we can hear his heartbeat and watch for any contractions. I'm still on a LOT of antibiotics and medication but they did take the 3rd IV out. It's hard to sleep when they keep coming in to check on you, but it's getting better.

Michael hooked up the PS3 so we can watch Netflix. Hey, we gotta do something! He's been such a rock for me. I don't know what I would do without him here supporting me.

Michaels parents have been able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House. They say it is really nice there. They have brought me something from there everyday. (Socks, candy canes, flowers, cookies) I'm so thankful for their support as well.

Tuesday, Dec. 9- Day 7-I wasn't feeling good at all. I had a lot of stomach pain and nausea. Of course I started thinking this was labor and made it worse. They put me on the monitor and it showed no contractions. Dr. Casey came in and did another ultrasound (#16). He pointed out that Rayden is practicing breathing very well. He actually said he doesn't normally see that in babies this young. I'm so glad. He also showed us that Rayden had moved side to side. He is no longer butt down. Dr. Casey called it 'hammock style'. Maybe that's why I was hurting. Now that there is little to no fluid inside my uterus every time he moves it feels like someone is stretching my skin. I can't imagine how Rayden feels in there. I keep imagining him inside a sack with no air.

We've had a visitor just about every day and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to us. It also breaks up the monotony of the day! We appreciate all the phone calls, texts, visits, emails, facebook messages, and especially the prayers.

Thanks Brittany C. for decorating our room with my favorite characters and brightening up our day. Sweet little Jackson occupied our minds for a little while.

Wednesday, Dec. 10-Day 8- We are now officially 31 weeks! We have been here for a full week. Although it is boring, I pray we can stay just like this another 3 weeks.

December 5, 2014 "30 Week Ultrasound"

December 4th- What a long day!! At least I was able to sleep about 5 hours last night. Today Michael and I just sat around watching TV, and working on my blog. I'm so hot and he's freezing. It's normally the other way around, but its because of the steroid shots I've been taking. The food is actually pretty good here. The nurses have been wonderful. They come in and place the fetal monitor on my belly for about 30 min. twice a day. It is great to hear that he is doing alright and see that we are not having contractions. I also receive intravenous antibiotics every 6 hours along with my other medication. The doctors say that the goal of 34 weeks is because beyond that we run a high risk of infection and of course that's just not worth the risk to either of us. Besides, by that point he will have everything he needs to continue to develop in the NICU. So our prayer now is that we can go to Dec. 30, which is 34 weeks. The bleeding has slowed down a lot as well so hopefully we can just hang out! Maya has come to visit several times now. She is such a wonderful person and great resource to

help us through all of this. Holly, the lady who had fetal surgery the same day as me, came to visit as well. She is here until delivery too. It is good to have someone to go through this with. She was a valuable resource for me on Tuesday night when I was panicking because I couldn't get in touch with Dr. Goodnight. We got a beautiful bouquet of flowers today from my husbands company, Piedmont Natural Gas.

December 5th- Today we had our 15th ultrasound. Although my water broke on Tuesday the technician found two pockets of fluid measuring about 6 cm. That's really good news. She says he now weighs 4lbs 9 oz. That's even better news! Of course, he is still Frank Breech with both feet above his head. The only bad news we received was his ventricle sizes went up again. His right vent grew from 35mm to 43mm. His left vent grew from 25mm to 30mm. We are still waiting to speak with the NICU doctors and Dr. Elton about the shunt surgery.

We had a wonderful little visitor this morning. Becca Powell brought her son to see us. She is a remarkable mother of a spina bifida child, Huck. I have been speaking with her since before our fetal surgery. It was wonderful to finally meet her but especially little Huck. Although he was born at 29 weeks, he is perfect! Just what Michael and I needed today. He was walking around, kissing his mom, smiling, playing, and waving goodbye. Just absolutely adorable. It was so encouraging to us both. She brought us a sweet package of goodies including some premie clothes for Rayden.

December 2, 2014 "OH NO!!!!"

Well, things got a little rocky today. I had some lower abdominal pain about 11:00 am. I was unsure of what to make of it. I was able to breathe through it and it only lasted about 20 min. So I recorded it in my brain and went on throughout my day. Around 3:30 it happened again, but this time it was a bit stronger. So much so that I had tears in my eyes. This time I called Dr. Goodnight. He said without any bleeding or water leakage he really couldn't explain it. So, here again, I just recorded this away and went on. Michael came home as soon as I told him of the second pain attack so I was relieved that he was there just in case. Our friend, Angie Parker RN, came to visit around 5:00 pm. We ate a little dinner and were just visiting when all of a sudden I felt something leaking. When I stood up to go to the bathroom to check it out it just gushed everywhere. I placed my hand between my legs and my hand was immediately covered in BLOOD! I yelled, "Michael, I'm bleeding!" He and Angie came running! There was so much blood!! Angie called the hospital while Michael tried to get me cleaned up to go. We waited for the hospital to call us back for about 30 min. I gushed two more times before we just decided to leave about 7. We thought we were headed to UNC Chapel Hill. When we got in the car we noticed we didn't have enough gas to get there so we stopped to fuel up. In the car, Angie and I decided it might be best to go to Betsy Johnson Hospital to make sure this was not life threatening before we traveled 1 1/2 hours down the road.

Betsy Johnson rushed us straight upstairs to Labor and Delivery to get checked out. It took hours to get a transport to UNC because they had to do an ultrasound (#13), blood work, monitor baby, give me steroid shots, start an IV, give me fluids, etc. I was having small contractions about 16-24 min. apart. The nurses were so nice; always trying to calm me down. I just kept saying over and over that I HAD to get to Chapel Hill, and somebody call Dr. Goodnight! The doctor on call didn't seem to like that very well. He was actually a little rude telling me he could do the C-section there and transport the baby away. He also said that I should have went to Chapel Hill to start with if that's where I wanted to go. Attitude!! After they spoke with UNC he came back and decided to ambulance transport us to UNC about 11:00 pm. I'm so thankful that Angie was there with us. She kept us calm and called others to inform them of the situation. I have to believe that God placed her there at that particular time on purpose.

The ambulance ride seemed to take forever but we made it. The ambulance fellow was so great keeping me entertained and calm during the ride. Just about the time they got me in a bed at UNC I felt another gush. When they looked to see what it was they decided it might be amniotic fluid. I was so upset. Of course, they tested it, and did an exam. It was confirmed fluid and I am dilated 1cm. The tears started flowing again. I just kept saying over and over "It's too early! Get Dr. Goodnight!" Finally someone did call him but the funny thing is my contractions had stopped!! So they started me on some intravenous antibiotics and did another ultrasound (#14). There is only a small amount of fluid left inside! They say that as long as I am not contracting then we can just sit and wait. What a long night!! I didn't sleep a wink.

December 3, 2014-Dr. Goodnight came in about 9:30 am. He stated that the pain and blood I was having yesterday must have been the membrane separating from the uterus. This apparently happens sometimes due to the fetal surgery. I've also been told over and over that the NICU is full and they would have to send Rayden somewhere else. Dr. Goodnight quickly and adamantly stated that he would NOT be going anywhere!!! This was such a relief! He also stated that as long as I am not contracting and the bleeding slows down our new goal is 34 weeks. I am now 30 weeks. Problem is, I cannot leave the hospital! We spoke about emergency C-section procedures and epidural C-section procedures.

I have been in Labor and Delivery on the 4th floor, but tonight they moved me to the 3rd floor. This is more of an observation floor. Although the rooms are a lot smaller, they do have much more comfortable beds.

I am really scared and worried about being strong enough to do this! God, please help me to be strong enough to handle this. I know I don't have to though, because He is strong when I am weak. Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." A friend of mine, Holly Pope, recently directed me to a song that has been playing over and over in my head today. Strong Enough by Matthew West. It is now my new motto.

November 26, 2014 "I saw God today"

"I saw God today." A comment I've heard spoken from so many people. They say this in reference to a newborn child, the beauty of nature, etc. The fingerprints of God. Well, today I saw it in the face of a 10 year old little girl. Someone I've never met, seen before, or even heard of. She wanted to do something special to commemorate her tenth birthday. Most children have a party, celebration, sleep over, etc. But not Molly Barefoot. She listened to the voice of God speaking to her. She told her parents she wanted to raise money for Rayden's family. Someone she didn't know! She organized a fund raiser at her school, Erwin Elementary. "A Penny War for Rayden." They raised $456 in change!! When she went to the bank to exchange for cash, someone at the change machine asked her why she had so much. She shared Rayden's story and they donated as well, even though they seemed to be in need themselves. She had two friends spend the night with her. They went to You Define Art in Smithfield to paint a cross to present to us as well. When she shared Rayden's story with them they donated the cross. It's just so amazing when I sit and think of how many lives this story has touched through the obedience of one 10 year old little girl. All the children at her school, the person at the bank, the owners of the paint shop, and I'm sure these people told their families, etc. When it was all said and done, Molly had raised $500 for Rayden.

Molly's family came over to present us with the donation and the cross. I just couldn't believe it! I am so proud of her willingness to be obedient to God and in awe at the selfLESSness of a 10 year old little girl!! God is still working in our lives and I, like so many now, can't wait to see Rayden's reason for being here. What is his purpose? I can already see that God is using him and he's not even born yet! I hope this story will inspire others to turn to Him, and be obedient to His call.



The scripture reference at the bottom of the cross is Jeremiah 1:5. Although I have heard this scripture, and read this story numerous times in my life, it has new meaning today. Reading even further in the scripture God is telling Jeremiah, even though he is a child, to do as He commands. This seems to speak reference to Molly being obedient to God's call. (At least it does for me anyway.)