D-day!
Most people remember "D-day" as when the troops stormed the beaches of Normandy in World War II. But parents of children with Spina Bifida remember it as a different battle day, the day our children were diagnosed.
I will never forget that day...September 10, 2014. We went in for a routine, 18 week anatomy ultrasound. I can still hear the doctor saying "I'm sorry. We see signs of Spina Bifida." I didn't even know what it was!!! The doctor used words like: neural tube defect, spinal nerves outside of body, may never walk, clubbed feet, paralysis, hydrocephalus, chiari malformation, brain damage, no bladder or bowel control... Followed by the awful choices of termination, fetal surgery, or surgery immediately after birth. Michael and I were in such shock and disbelief.
After reading the pamphlets given to me from the doctor and some research on-line I was in such fear for our unborn son. How much pain and suffering he would have to endure and how many challenges Spina Bifida would bring to our family. I could not believe God had given us this burden to carry. I remember asking God "WHY???" Begging Him to take these choices out of our hands. We honestly did not know what to do. Why would a loving God allow this to happen to an innocent child?
Although our house was filled with family and friends, I felt angry and alone. My heart was in a thousand pieces and I was on the edge of a complete break down. I thought I had my life all mapped out and then this 'MOUNTAIN' falls in the middle of the road. I had just accepted the fact that God had given me this baby for a reason and then I find out he was in trouble, facing unbelievable challenges. I just didn't understand, and to tell you the truth, I still don't. Just remembering that day is making my heart race, body shake, and tears flow. (This has got to be a form of PTSD)
Although our house was filled with family and friends, I felt angry and alone. My heart was in a thousand pieces and I was on the edge of a complete break down. I thought I had my life all mapped out and then this 'MOUNTAIN' falls in the middle of the road. I had just accepted the fact that God had given me this baby for a reason and then I find out he was in trouble, facing unbelievable challenges. I just didn't understand, and to tell you the truth, I still don't. Just remembering that day is making my heart race, body shake, and tears flow. (This has got to be a form of PTSD)
The words of this song by Hilary Weeks are sooo perfect. "Broken-hearted I started climbing and at the top I found every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. Now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."
We've definitely traveled a rocky path this past year. Rayden has had 7 surgeries in 6 months and there are more in his future. But as time has passed I've begun to understand a little more of God's intent. Just look at this precious angel...despite all the challenges and imperfections he was born with...he's absolutely perfect!
Rayden has the most gentle soul. When he smiles at you your heart will melt into a thousand pieces. His sweet laugh is infectious making everyone that hears him laugh along with him. He spreads pure joy to everyone he comes in contact with. I could not be more proud to be his mother. Thank you God for placing this precious angel in my life and entrusting me with his care.
We've definitely traveled a rocky path this past year. Rayden has had 7 surgeries in 6 months and there are more in his future. But as time has passed I've begun to understand a little more of God's intent. Just look at this precious angel...despite all the challenges and imperfections he was born with...he's absolutely perfect!
No comments:
Post a Comment